Filed from the field · The national restroom deskDispatches filed 13 · States covered 11

The Porcelain Dispatch

Restroom reviews from the collapse of American sanitation

SanctuarySanctuary List

THE MESSIAH RETURNED IN BEAVER FORM AND BROUGHT 83 SPOTLESS TOILETS WITH HIM

5 out of 5 plungers
Illustrated image slot. No photograph accompanies this dispatch.
Image slot. No photograph accompanies this dispatch.

Eighty-three toilets, every one flushed, every floor dry, staff moving through the room with the grim purpose of a Secret Service detail. Cintas named it America's Best Restroom in 2012. The Correspondent considers that an understatement bordering on slander.

SCORE: 5 plungers. The entire building.

(Facts: the New Braunfels store has 83 toilets and won Cintas' America's Best Restroom contest in 2012. Sources: fmlink.com and texasmonthly.com.)

Keep reading
Full Review

Stall Number One: Notes From A Public Restroom In Late-Stage America

Tulsa, Oklahoma · Mopless Republic Travel Stop

I came through the door on assignment and stopped cold. There are moments in this line of work when a man realizes he is not reviewing a bathroom so much as documenting a failure of civilization, and this was one of them.

1 plunger
Sanctuary List

Paradise Lost: Shangri-La At A Two-Pump Gas Station In The Middle Of Nowhere

Van Horn, Texas · The Last Chance Fuel Stop

I expected nothing. Forty miles from the nearest stoplight, at a two-pump station whose sign had lost its second vowel years ago, I braced for the worst and found a room so clean it made me question my own assumptions about the human race.

5 plungers
Sign Watch

A Liar And A Coward: The Sign Says "Cleaned Hourly"

Toledo, Ohio · PillBarn Pharmacy

Posted at eye level: a laminated sign reading that this restroom is monitored for your safety and cleaned hourly. Directly beneath it: a wastebasket overflowing onto the tile, an empty paper towel dispenser, and a hand dryer that answered my wave with the silence of a dead man.

2 plungers